


Tea in Uberwald

by dharmageek



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Black Ribboners, F/M, Kindness, Recovery, Uberwald, Vampires, Warrior Queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-28 14:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8450569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmageek/pseuds/dharmageek
Summary: Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina Von Uberwald experienced the hospitality of the Ramkin women with mixed results over the course of her life. It is amazing what a difference a little black ribbon makes.





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Acknowledgement: All awesomeness belongs to the estate of Terry Pratchett. 
> 
> Warning: Violence and vampirism. 
> 
> Stand alone story but would fit into Chapter 13 of Right of First Refusal.

The Emperor of the Sorcerous Republic[1] wanted to reward her for all her hard work with the orcs and her success in breeding the last traces of wulvers and randis[2] out of the Uberwaldian werewolves. That was why she found herself with two companions at the edge of a small kingdom that straddled the lands between No Thingfjord and the Hubland Steppes. It was everything a hunting party could want in a village. It might have been a little on the cold side but it was quiet, only was light for a few hours in the wintertime and far away from outside help.

It wouldn’t be a challenge but it would be relaxing and away from the madness of the Republic. All they had to do was be patient and play by the rules. Dazzle the headman, start small and pace out attacks, and make the prey doubt themselves until it was too late.

The first part had been easy. She and Carmilla Magpyr[3] had seduced one of the local princes. He had been the lone guard keeping watch at the signal beacon outside of town. He was a very handsome lad, muscular, blonde, blue-eyed, and tall. He resembled a better class of god and made them both a little weak at the knees. He was very trusting and simple. The young prince walked Margolotta, Carmilla, and their companion Otto von Chriek into the castle.

Everything seemed to be going to plan. The princeling was sweet and quite entertaining. Soon a sleeping sickness would be running through the castle and being conscientious guests, they would offer to sit up with the sick to help them along.

After a particularly enjoyable night with the prince, Margolotta was awakened by the sound of knocking at her chamber door. She opened it to discover a guard, who handed her a message and quickly marched away. It was early still and the sun wouldn’t be up for hours.

She retreated into her room and read the note that was written in perfect script. _Our hearts are heavy over the loss of our beloved Prince Renfield Ivanovic Zmaj Valkyria , second son of King Viktor Zmaj Valkyria. Prince Renfield has joined his loved ones on the other side of the great desert and will be blessed by the light. We ask that any guests of Prince Renfield depart as this is trying time for the royal family and we do not wish to inconvenience you with our concerns or rituals._ The note was signed, _Her Majesty, Princess Olgivanna Adelaida Valkyrja._

Margolotta laughed and crumpled the note. _Stupid girl! Vho does she vink she is?_

The vampire went back to the bed. She awoke to the sound of yelling and the smell of smoke.

“Margolotta! We have to leave!” Otto was shaking her. “Carmilla has already fled. We have less than an hour of darkness to get out of here and to the forest.”

Margolotta shook him off. “Vat are you going on about, Otto?”

He walked over to the window and peered out the curtains. “Ze prince is dead.”

“Zo?” She replied nonplussed.

He glared at her. “Ze castle knows. How much did you drink last night?”

“Vat Otto?” She rolled her eyes.

He stomped his foot. “Ve need to leave. Zey gave us a varning.”

“Afraid of a little angry mob?” She taunted before getting caught up in coughing fit. “Vat is that smell?”

“Zat vould be ze prince.” Otto snapped.

“Zey burn zier dead?” She asked quietly.

“Yes! Ve have to leave now!” He implored.

“I have burned hundreds of bodies. Zey did not smell like zat.” She said gagging.

“No, zat is a body plus several pounds of frankincense, myrrh, Copal, vite sage and rosemary.“ He ran his hand through his hair. “Zey believe ze dead should stay dead. After he is consumed by ze fire, zey will divide ze ashes so zey cannot be recombined and resurrected.”

Margolotta stared at him. “Vat?”

Otto started pacing. “Zey are going to spread part of him over the steppes, part vill go into the river, part vill be mixed into a ceremonial ink that will be used to chronicle his life, and finally glass charms vill be created using vatever is left over.”

Margolotta found anxiety flooding her mind. “How do you know zis?”

He stopped pacing and looked at her. “Princess Olgivanna visited me last night.”

“And?” She demanded.

He looked down at his shoes. “She saw right zrough me, nothing vorked on her.”

“Vy didn’t you kill her zen?!” Margolotta yelled. She was angry. _Vy had ze Emperor send this veak fool vith zem?”_

“Because nothing vorked on her. She spoke quietly and gently, she said she didn’t blame me zat I vas just doing vat vampires do. She said ve had to leave and had until ze dawn.” He looked slightly entranced when he spoke.

“Vat did you say?” She asked.

“I agreed.” He whispered.

“You vat? Ve are better zan zem, vy did you agree?” Margolotta sprang up from the bed and threw him against the wall.

Otto stumbled to his feet and glared at her with red eyes. “Because ve vere sent here to die. I vent to the library, everyone the Emperor vants to dispose of has been sent here. Zey recorded zeir names in a book.”

“Vy vould the prince give himself like zat zen?”

“He vas dying. He vanted to die vith honor. Zey believe varriors that die for a cause are rewarded by ze gods. ”

She sat on the bed. “Ve have been set up?” A cock crowed in the distance.

“Yes!” He bellowed. “Ve are running out of time. Ve must go now.”

“I vill not be run off by some girl.” She screamed in reply and jumped to her feet.

“Zat is your choice.” Otto transformed into a swarm of bats and flew out the window.

Margolotta bolted the door and waited for the mob. It was always a mob, which was to her advantage. Humans were dumber in mobs. If you could scare them, you could herd them like sheep.

An hour after sunrise there was still no mob and Margolotta relaxed. It had only been boffo and empty threats. She would laugh at Otto and Carmilla the next time she saw them. She released the breath she had been holding and sat on the bed. It was quiet and the smell from the funeral pyre had mostly dissipated. She lied back on the bed and closed her eyes.

Margolotta awoke to the twang of a bow being fired outside the window. She sniffed the air and smelled fresh smoke. Looking over, the thick velvet curtains on the window and been set ablaze. Sunlight was slowly streaming into the room. She looked towards the door and saw an inch of water running towards the bed and covering the floor.

Carefully, Margolotta lowered her hand towards the water, it began to smoke causing her to recoil on instinct.

“Holy vater?!” She cursed under her breath and stood on the bed. She looked around the room for a way out. No other doors or passages. The floor was covered with water now. She looked up at the walls, all she needed was a handhold. The walls were a smooth stone that had been polished to amplify the light; it was already catching the sunlight and weakening her.

There was a knock on the door and a girl called out to her. “Queen Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina Von Uberwald”

“Yes” She replied regally.

“You must leave. NOW!” The voice demanded.

Margolotta snapped to attention at the command but quickly shook it off. “You are a very rude young woman.”

“That may be so but you must leave. You are not welcome here and you have no power here.” The girl recited as if following a ritual.

Anger seethed through Margolotta. _How dare she! How dare that vench zink zat she had any power. She vould show her power. She vould break her pretty little neck._

Margolotta charged the door and burst into the hall with only minor burns on her feet from the holy water. She hardly noticed and a good feeding would make the pain go away soon enough. She glared at her query and froze. She was tall and handsome with long honey colored hair. Sturdily built like her brother and dressed in leather armor, she had come to face her on her own.

The girl met Margolotta’s gaze with violet-blue eyes as cold as ice. “You will leave.”

Anger swelled within the vampire and Margolotta lunged for the girl. She was met with a bucket of holy water. Margolotta screamed as it burned her. “You vill die for zat. You vill vatch everything you love die.”

“NO. You will leave.” The girl replied. Margolotta noticed she stood next to more buckets of water. “You did my brother a kindness by letting his death be quick. This is all the kindness I can extend to you in return. LEAVE!”

Margolotta arched her body and hissed. “Kindness! Is zat vy you insist on varning us, stupid cow?”

“No, I warn you because I am better than you.” The girl said with a pride and power that burned more than the holy water.

“Foolish child! What do you know of kindness? You are sheep. You are food to us, nothing more.” Margolotta snarled.

“Your choice is made then.” The princess drew her sword. It wasn’t a shiny sword or a magic sword but it was clearly a very useful one.

The vampire moved to pounce. The girl kicked a bucket of water splashing the floor in front of her. Margolotta was thrown off balance and froze. Suddenly, there was the sound of two bow strings twanging and the curtains on the windows at both ends of the hall were lit on fire. The additional sunlight weakened the vampire.

Margolotta was furious and needed blood. Her fangs extended and her jaw unhinged. Every bit of her body elongated. Her hands transformed into claws. “I have commanded armies. I have killed tens of thousands. I have bathed in the blood of virgins and drank the blood of thousands of men. Do you think you’ll survive me, girl?” Margolotta spat.

“I don’t know.” The girl replied as cold and crisp as the winter morning. “All I have to do is make sure you don’t survive me.”

Margolotta screamed. “I vill drink you dry.” Membranes were forming under her arms and attaching to her body forming wings.

The girl didn’t move. “You will leave or you will die.”

“I vonder if you vill taste as sveet as your brother.” Margolotta hissed and flew down the hall.

The girl easily dodged her and landed a blow under the vampire’s arm cutting her wing. Margolotta stumbled forward and clung to the wall.

“I pity you, Queen Margolotta. It must be hard to never grow, to be forever betwixt and between, never belonging, never knowing love.” Blue eyes bored into Margolotta’s soul stirring feelings of guilt and regret that had long lain dormant.

“Vat do you know?” The vampire howled.

“I know you do not know of love, loyalty, or belonging. I know you blindly follow a monster, whom sent you to your death.” She scolded. “I know I have more worth than you.”

Margolotta raked her claws down the walls causing sparks to trail her fingertips. The girl flashed a nervous glance at the vampire's hand. “I am powerful! I am a culler of men. I bend races to my will. I am a queen!”

“If you fly out that window, you’ll be burned but you should be able to make it to the forest line before you die.” She replied matter-of-factly.

Margolotta could smell fear on her now, something was making her nervous. “Vy don’t you come after me? Are you afraid to kill me?”

“I would rather not if it the same to you. There has been enough death today.” She said solemnly.

Margolotta smirked. “You are veak, girl!”

The princess tightened her grip on the sword. “I hope you can find peace in the next life.”

Margolotta braced herself for the girl to charge but she just stared at her.

The vampire cackled. “I vill enjoy killing you, stupid girl.” The vampire sniffed the air. It smelt of oil and alcohol. Looking down at the grouting in the floor, she saw iridescent liquid flowing between the cobbles. Realization hit Margolotta like a rampaging troll, the girl had been distracting her.

Princess Olgivanna dropped her sword, struck a cluster of matches against the wall, and the world erupted into flame.

Lady Margolotta Von Uberwald sat bolt upright in her coffin, which was why she was cursing.

It was a popular belief on the Disc that vampires did not dream. Unfortunately for vampires, this was not true. In fact, living hundreds of years and committing numerous nefarious deeds gives one an endless supply of nightmares.

After rubbing her head, she pulled out a journal. _You can handle zis, just vite it down._ She told herself.

She had had the dream before though this was its first appearance since starting the League of Temperance. _Vat vas different? Vat had changed?_ She asked herself.

_Vimes, Vimes vas vhat vas different. He reminded her too much of zat prideful bitch._ _I tried to control him and lost. Ankh-Morpork and Vetinari are stronger than ever._ Margolotta groaned. _I really vant a drink._ She punched the coffin lid.

“No, I vant control. “ She repeated her mantra under her breath. “I vant control. I vant control.”

She smiled to herself. “I vill show you my control, Sir Samuel. I vill play politics vith you and this time I vill vin.”

Lady Margolotta opened the coffin lid. “Igor! Prepare ze carriage. I need to visit his Grace before he returns to Ankh-Morpork.”

[1] The Sorcerous Republic was starting to crack around the edges as was its emperor. Lady Margolotta Von Uberwald was one of his many brides, not that that was saying much. An hour before his death, he had nearly 90 brides. Of course, Uberwaldian politics being what they were he was suddenly quite single at the time of his death. Being one of the Sorcerer’s brides didn’t give her freedom or control, but it did bring power, pleasure, and safety.

[2] Werewolves are not bad by nature. In fact, several tribes were noted for helping and protecting humans. The emperor did not feel that this was a helpful trait for the building of an empire.

[3] Although beautiful, Carmilla had strange bathing habits and had a tendency to use all the virgins.  


	2. Overheard Conversations and a Change of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lady Margolotta spies on Sir Samuel and gets a glimpse of life inside the embassy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acknowledgement: All of this belongs to Terry Pratchett (What? The Curtains? -- No, those belong to Monty Python) but seriously Discworld and all its awesomeness are thanks to Terry Pratchett. 
> 
> So we are about to take a short trip on the good ship Sam Vimes/Sybil Ramkin, don't worry it's only mildly fluffy. If this is not your ship, you might want to disembark now.

After the death of embassy’s Igor, it had been almost too easy to replace him with one from her castle. Igor had happily invited her in and she slipped into embassy a few hours before sunset with nothing more than a quick glance from the butler. Now, it was just a question of getting to Sir Samuel. He and his wife would be leaving in the morning so if she wanted the upper hand she needed to act quickly. 

She quietly crept up the back servant stairs and through an abandoned service corridor used by the Igors. Looking up at the wall she read the code indicated where each room stopped and started on the other side. _Igor zaid zey are supposed to be in the library._

She stopped behind one of the secret panels in the library. Experimentally she pushed against it and found that it was firmly nailed shut. Moving down the corridor she found the other panels in the same state.

Margolotta chuckled to herself. “Clever, Sir Samuel. But are you clever enough?”

She went further down the corridor and stood on a box. Carefully, she moved the lever to open the peep holes in the portrait over the mantel. Instead of smooth sliding sound, she was greeted with a sharp twang as a crossbow bolt grazed her arm. She cursed under her breath and pulled the crossbow bolt out of the wall behind her. It was aimed to stop a taller and probably male target.

She twirled the bolt in her fingers. “I vill not be so easily dissuaded, Sir Samuel.”  

Stepping off the box, she glided down the hall to one of the panels. If nothing else, she could hear what was going on in the room. _Two voices, that is promising._ She thought and leaned against the panel. _One heart beat. No two heartbeats, just very closely in sync. No, zats not right, three heart beats? Very interesting.  
_

“You think they’ll be alright?” A man asked in a gruff voice. It was gravelly from years of alcohol and tobacco. _That must be Sir Samuel._

“I am certain of it. They are in love and well matched, they just need time to talk it out.“ A sweet yet sharp voice replied, definitely a Lady’s voice, well-educated and commanding. _Zat must be ze Lady Sybil._ Margolotta thought. _Zat vould explain ze extra heart beat._

“What makes you so sure?” He asked uncertainty creeping in. Margolotta’s ears pricked up at this. _What are you uncertain about, Sir Samuel?_

“They will be fine.” The woman replied and Margolotta could hear a kiss being exchanged. “We will be fine.” The kissing began again. After a few moments, she said breathlessly. “Although, you better get going.”

Sir Samuel said something but it was muffled and Margolotta couldn’t quite make it out.

His wife tried again. “Sam?”

“Yes, dear?” His voice was husky and rough.

“You are burning daylight. If we want to get to the next town tomorrow, you have a man to see about a sled.”

"Mmmm.." Vimes purred.

Lady Sybil gasped. “Sam Vimes, your hands are like ice.” She playfully admonished.

“I can think of a couple ways to warm them up.” He said teasingly. Margolotta covered her mouth as she bit back a laugh.

The woman let out a quiet whimper.

“What was that, dear?” he chuckled.

“Do you want to stay here another day?” She queried.

“Not particularly.” There was a slight protective edge in his voice. “Are you alright to travel?”

“Of course, Sam.” She said reassuringly.

There was the sound of someone standing up and armor being buckled. “It shouldn’t take me more than an hour.”

“Take Detritus with you.” She ordered.

“Absolutely not. He is to stay within 100 feet of you at all times until we are out of Bonk.” He replied sternly.

“Sam, that really isn’t fair to him. I’m sure he is getting bored of the embassy.” The woman’s request fell on deaf ears.

“It was his idea. Anyway, he is working on creating a new bolt for his Piecemaker.” There was a tone of authority in his voice that indicated that he wouldn’t be arguing with her on this point.

She sighed. “Take Willikins and Cheery with you then.”

“I will take Cheery and one of Tantony’s men.” He told her. “Don’t look at me like that. I want you safe.” Margolotta heard more kisses being exchanged.

“You’ll be here to warm me up when I get back?” The words sounded tender to Margolotta.

“Of course, dear.” His wife gently acquiesced.

“And don’t over exert yourself” He playfully growled.

“I have letters to write so I promise not lift anything heavier than a teacup or a pen.” She said coyly.

“No leaving with any werewolves” There was a note of seriousness in his voice.

“Yes, dear” She replied dutifully.

“No being seduced by vampires either” He added playfully.

She laughed at him. “I don’t believe any would be interested.”

“Promise” The seriousness creeping back into his voice.

“I promise I will only let you seduce me. “ She teased.

“I will have to hurry back then.” Vimes said and closed the door behind him.

Margolotta smiled to herself. _So Sir Samuel, you have a veak spot._ _Power and politics are so much more interesting zan blood._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I know this is slightly off my usual path. Comments, suggestions, and discussion are always welcome. If anything was too odd or out of the realm of reasonable headcanon, please let me know.


	3. A Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margolotta prepares to meet Lady Sybil and gets an unexpected surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acknowledgement: All Characters and Discworld belong to Terry Pratchett. 
> 
> Information: Margolotta is a vampire. In this headcanon, vampires are generally pansexual since blood is blood and necks are sexy. If this bothers you, you are going to want to get off this magic carpet ride.

As she listened for the sounds of Vimes and his party leaving, Margolotta took a moment to take stock of her strengths and information.

When she had left for the evening she chose a fitted black velvet and lace gown, which was traditional for such a call but modest enough not to have raised Sir Samuel’s suspicion. She was questioning her choice now.

Her hair was down. _Vas that too informal for a call on a voman?_ It had been a while since she tried to seduce a woman. Her last female lover had seduced her and that had been over 30 years ago. _Vomen. Vomen take finesse._ She reminded herself.

She adjusted the bust of her gown. _Men,_ she laughed to herself. _Men are easy, show just enough décolletage to be interesting and half ze battle is von. Vell, most men._ She unconsciously played with one of her bracelets and frowned. _No, he vas not like most men. He took vork and finesse._ She smiled to herself. _He vas vorth it zough._

_Focus._ She thought to herself and went about the task of pinning up her hair. _Now vho is Lady Sybil Vimes? She knew almost nothing of ze voman. She had vitten a book on animal husbandry, though copies vere not available in Uberwald. She had pages in Tvurp’s Peerage but vampires tended to zink of zat as a breeding manual for humans. Zough Havelock had showed her how to use it for other purposes.  
_

She pulled more pins from her bag and continued working on her hair. _Lady Sybil comes from an old, vealthy noble family zat vas bred for battle._ _Seraphine hadn’t been kind in describing ze poor voman. She had referred to ze Duchess as mousy, not very bright, and certainly not a great beauty. She did concede zat she could be viewed as handsome if you liked your vomen elephantine. Vhat vas it she had called her? A joke._

Margolotta put the last pin in her hair and tried to remember anything that might help her. _All ze information she had vas on Vimes. It vas like ze voman did not exist outside her husband. Sybil vasn’t a common name, Havelock’s little friend had been named Sybil, she vould have been about ze same age. No, she vas from the Shires near Quirm not Ankh-Morpork. According to Havelock, she vould not have been easily mistaken for a joke and judging from her letters to him she vas very formable even as a young girl.  
_

Margolotta pulled out a golden compact[1] and checked her reflection. _Alvough, the low king was upset about ze trade deal._ She snapped the compact closed and returned it to her bag. _Rumor said Vimes did not negotiate it, but all evidence pointed to it being his doing. And zen zere vere vispers about a goddess singing in ze caves ze night ze Scone of Stone vas returned._

Margolotta was drawn from her thoughts by a polite throat clearing. She turned and looked down the hallway. A sharply dressed man with an air of household authority stood near the stairs with a crossbow.

“Madam, I do not believe you are supposed to be back here.” The butler said.

Margolotta smiled and slinked toward him. “My apologies, I seem to have gotten lost. I vanted to have a vord vith ze Duchess before she and Sir Samuel left for Ankh-Morpork.” She said breathily and with as much charm as she could conjure. The man’s eyes softened. _Yes, men vere alvays easy._ “Perhaps, you could help me find her?” She purred.

“We needs to see your invitation.” A deep voice rumbled and there was the sound of tension on a multitude of strings. “Mr. Vimes sayz no ones to go near Lady Sybil without his say so.”

Margolotta looked past the butler to see a troll holding a siege weapon. Her eyes grew wide and instinctively she took a step back. _Ah yes, Vimes used zat to take out most of ze Baron’s castle. And a troll, you couldn’t trick or dazzle a troll. No zey, vere too vick to dazzle._

“I am afraid the good Sergeant is correct. Given the events of the past week, a formal invitation is necessary to see her Ladyship.” The butler smiled but the warmth in his eyes had dissipated.

Margolotta’s smile strained. “I see.”

There was a polite cough on the staircase below. “Sergeant Detritus? Willikins? Is everything alright?” A woman said brightly.

“Yes, your ladyship,” said the butler smoothly. “We just have an unexpected guest. Sergeant Detritus was just about to escort her out.”

“Dear gods, man. With the Piecemaker?” Her ladyship asked.

“I haz Mr. Safety Catch on, Lady Sybil.” The troll said slightly admonished. “Mr. Vimes sayz youz under my protection.”

“Thank you, Sergeant, that is most gallant of you.” Lady Sybil replied. “However, I must insist on seeing our guest for the sake of the honor of Ankh-Morpork. We must be good hosts afterall. You wouldn’t want Ruby to think we weren’t doing our best to represent the City.”

The troll paused and thought for a moment before lowering the gigantic crossbow. “No, Lady Sybil.”

“Willikins, please escort our guest downstairs. I will ask Igor to bring us some cocoa and coffee. Sergeant, if you would be so kind as to assist Willikins and keep post outside the library door. It would be most helpful and greatly appreciated.” Lady Sybil gently requested in a way that made both men stand up a little straighter.

The troll saluted causing his hand to clang against his helmet.

The spell broken, the butler eyeballed Margolotta suspiciously but nodded. “Of course, your ladyship.” He held out his hand and indicated the stairs. “This way, Madam.”

Margolotta let out the breath she had been holding. _Zis might be more of a challenge zan I first zought._ She did her best not to laugh. She had forgotten how much fun this could be.

The vampire smirked slightly and swept around the butler.

She stopped at the top of the stairs and looking down saw her. Her breath caught, she was magnificent. The woman turned to look up at her and smiled. It was a warm smile, genuine and kind. It was one of the most beautiful smiles she had ever seen and reminded her of youth and innocence. It made her heart swell and her fangs itch.

Margolotta reached into a pocket and pulled out a wooden token. _Zis had been a bad idea._ She clenched it tightly in her hand. _I don’t vant blood,_ _I vant control. I vant control. I vant control._

[1] Vampires do not cast a reflection in most mirrors due to the silver surface behind the glass. However, gold does grant a basic reflection, albeit a jaundiced one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I am having so much fun writing for Margolotta and I am looking forward to writing her interactions with Sybil in the next two chapters. Comments, suggestions, and discussion are always welcome and greatly appreciated.


	4. Would You Like Me to Seduce You?

Margolotta was doing her best not to stare but her mind wasn’t working fast enough to do much else. Lady Sybil had taken her arm at the bottom of the stairs and swept her down the hall to the library. The woman was chipper and welcoming. The conversation was energetic and interesting but intoxicating.

Prompted by seamless questions, Margolotta had shared more about herself in the last ten minutes than she had in the last twenty-years. _I have to take control._ Margolotta thought to herself.

There was a pause in the conversation. “Vhat vas zat?” Margolotta asked pulling her gaze from the area between Lady Sybil’s lovely neck and clavicle.

“I was admiring your black ribbon. You were one of the founding members weren’t you?” Lady Sybil asked with a warm smile. Margolotta was doing her best to keep her eyes on the Duchess’s face, despite the distracting effect her breathing [1]had.

“Yes. I started ze Uberwald branch 5 years ago.” Margolotta replied.

“It is a very noble organization,” Sybil said with a smile. “I know it has helped many reformed vampires in Ankh-Morpork.”

Margolotta felt slightly buoyed at the compliment. “Ve try.”

“That is no small feat, Lady Margolotta. You have sacrificed and strived to be where you are today.” The duchess’s eyes were bright with pride and respect.

“Please your, Grace. Call me, Margolotta.” The vampire felt at ease with her hostess.

She was staring again, but she couldn’t help it. Lady Sybil reminded her of the shepherdesses she was so fond of in her youth. She smiled to herself, tall sturdy girls that could fight off packs of wolves yet tend a flock with the gentleness of a new mother.

Lady Sybil had cocked her head quizzically to the side exposing more of her neck. “Margolotta?”

“Yes!” Margolotta snapped out of her revelry.

“I asked if you knew Otto Von Chriek? He is a member of the Ankh-Morpork League of Temperance.” Lady Sybil smiled helpfully.

“Otto? He’s a black ribboner now?” Margolotta asked loosing track of the conversation.

“Yes. Two months, I believe.” Sybil nodded. “He is quite an interesting man. Unfortunately, it has been a difficult transition for him.”

Blue eyes bore into her soul and memories flooded over the vampire. Long forgotten happy moments surfaced causing her to smile. _She reminds me of Elsa._ Margolotta thought absentmindedly. _Mein Barchen._ Memories of holding hands, gentle kisses and snuggling in the moonlight filled her mind. Two years of happy youthful innocence, tears pricked at the corners of the vampire’s eyes.

A piece of fine white cloth was handed to her. “Here you are, dear.” Lady Sybil said softly.

Margolotta looked to her right, the woman was quite close. “Vank you. You are most kind.” The vampire took the handkerchief and wiped her eyes. She took a deep breath and inhaled Lady Sybil's scent. Vampires always smelled blood first all copper and iron, but there were other scents, honey, herbs, and the slightest hint of smoke.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” The woman asked taking a seat next to her on the sofa.

“I am fine, you remind me of an old friend.” Margolotta gave a sad smile. “She vas very special.”

Lady Sybil took her hand and squeezed it gently. “I am sorry for your loss.”

Her hand was wonderfully warm and Margolotta could feel Lady Sybil’s pulse through her fingertips. The vampire pulled her hand away as she felt her fangs elongate in response to the contact.

“Do you need to leave? I know it sometimes helps to take a step away.” Lady Sybil asked gently noticing Margolotta’s reaction. “Or perhaps a cigarette?” She stood up and walked over to the desk. The duchess opened a drawer and pulled out a cigarette case.

Margolotta took the proffered cigarette and smiled in thanks.

Lady Sybil struck a match and the vampire flinched. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

The duchess leaned in and lit her cigarette. She quietly puffed as Lady Sybil sat down on the sofa across from her. It was helping. _I need to take back control._ Margolotta thought to herself. _Control is vat I vant._

“Lady Sybil?” Margolotta asked causing Sybil to look up at her. “I noticed that your grandmother was named Olgivanna. Was she any relation to Princess Olgivanna Valkyrja?”

“Please call me Sybil.” She replied. “And yes, Olgivanna was my grandmother. Her father was more of a chieftain than a king. I don’t know of many princesses that milk goats or work as a blacksmith on a daily basis.”

Margolotta smiled . _She isn’t used to being the center of attention. “_ Having met Princess Olgivanna, I can attest that she was every inch a princess. You should wear that mantle with pride.”

Lady Sybil colored prettily and changed the subject. “We haven’t had kings for a long time, so I know little of princesses. Though it has been a mixed bag in the past, the current Patrician has done much to improve the city.”

Margolotta moved over to the other sofa and sat next to her. “You favor her, you know? Your height and figure.

“So I have been told.” Lady Sybil shifted uncomfortably.

“She vas quite beautiful.” Margolotta sighed. “Zough ve vere never formally introduced. It vas different times and my exit vas rather quick.”

Sybil looked at her questioningly and the vampire smiled reassuringly. “Alzough, you don’t have her eyes.” Margolotta’s gaze became intense and sultry. “Your eyes are prettier, warmer and brighter. Zey remind me of her brother’s eyes. He vas quite sveet.”

The duchess moved to get up. “I think I should check on what is delaying the coffee.”

Margolotta caught Sybil’s hand. “It is alright my dear. I am enjoying our time together.” She said suppressing a smirk, she had told Igor not to interrupt anything.

Sybil retrieved her hand and played with her necklace.

_Remember, ladies are raised to alvays be polite and ignore zer instincts. Always keep zem doubting zemselves._ The words came unbidden to the vampire’s mind. “Are you afraid of me, my dear?” Margolotta asked on the edge of teasing.

“Should I be?” Sybil replied and freezing her with a gaze that would have made Princess Olgivanna proud. Power radiated off her like heat from a bonfire.

“Of course not.” Margolotta said glamour dripping in her voice.

The duchess didn’t reply but she didn’t move. Margolotta twirled a piece of hair that had escaped its pin. “I vant to be your friend, Sybil.”

“Sam should be returning shortly. He said your castle was quite lovely, he said it looked like a piece of confection.” Sybil smiled at her, she was doing a good job of hiding her anxiety.

“Hov very kind of him.” Margolotta raised an eyebrow. “He has excellent taste.”

Sybil gave her a puzzled look and Margolotta smiled unintentionally flashing a little fang. “He did choose you, my dear.”

The woman moved to the far end of the sofa. “He is a very good man, brave and kind. He has done great things with the Watch.”

Margolotta nodded. “Sir Samuel is a vonderful ambassador as vell. He did an excellent job on ze terms of ze trade negotiations vith ze Low King.“ The duchess just smiled and Margolotta inched closer. “Except that vas you, vasn’t it? “

“As the ambassador from Ankh-Morpork, Sam is responsible for the outcome of all negotiations.” She responded resolutely in a voice that gave no room for argument.

_She didn’t deny it zough._ Margolotta studied the woman with fresh eyes. A change had come over Lady Sybil that Margolotta had not expected, regal wasn’t quite the word for it. She was regal when she escorted her to the library. _No, zis vas something else. Zis vas a façade dropping avay not von being put up._ Margolotta thought to herself and then Seraphine’s words came back to her. _A joke. Yes, zis creature being mousy vould be a joke_. _A lion pretending to be a lamb._ She reached into her pocket and held the wooden token.

A slight movement caught Margolotta’s eye, Lady Sybil was politely sliding forward on the sofa to stand. The next thing that happened embarrassed Margolotta for decades. She told herself it was instinct. Her prey was fleeing and she pounced.

Pound for pound vampires are much stronger than humans and she easily pinned the larger woman to the sofa. Sybil was speechless for a moment.

Margolotta kicked herself when she saw the confusion and betrayal in the woman’s face. _Zis is not ze Sorcerous Republic!_ She scolded herself. _Zis is not how ve behave_.” She gazed upon the Duchess’s lovely neck. _But zis is power, zis is control. I have overtaken zis powerful creature and it is mine to do vith as I please._ A darker part of her spit back as her fangs elongated.

“Lady Margolotta, release me immediately!” The shock had warn off and Sybil was glaring at her.

“Poor little maus.” The vampire purred. “Always hiding how beautiful and powerful you are, afraid people vill see you. Afraid zey vill fear you because you are too much. Don’t vorry, I am not afraid of you.” Margolotta looked deeply into her eyes and turned up her glamour. At this point, kings would hand over kingdoms and the most pious maidens would happily disrobe. Margolotta stared at the woman and waited for her to give in. Any moment now, Sybil would sigh and give her better access to her neck.

Instead, Sybil gave her a sad smile. “You are hurting me, Margolotta. Please let me go.”

The words were compelling and Margolotta loosened her grip but kept the woman pinned to the sofa. Sybil’s hand went down to her skirts and pulled something from her pocket. “Margolotta this is not you. Please move over to the other side of the sofa and we can talk this through.” It was a gentle request and Sybil’s eyes shown with kindness.

Margolotta’s heart clench. _Vhat am I doing?_

“Lady Margolotta, LET ME UP!” Sybil’s voice was commanding and on instinct, the vampire moved to let her up before shaking it off and pushing down harder.

“No!” Margolotta snapped, her eyes were red now. She knew what she really wanted in that moment and it wasn’t control. “I vill do as I please.”

Sybil moved a small object in front of Lady Margolotta’s face and squeezed. The vampire let out a blood-curdling scream as pain burned across her face. She heard the sound of the door being ripped open as the troll burst into the room.

[1] Like the tides, bosoms like Lady Sybil’s seemed to heave on their own.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To answer the question, yes, Sybil Ramkin just did the equivalent of the cat water bottle trick on Lady Margolotta von Uberwald, a 400ish-year-old vampire. And to establish the headcanon, she does share this trick with Havelock. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. This is unfamiliar territory so feedback is welcome. Still in search of a beta. 
> 
> GNU Terry Pratchett


	5. The Lady Sybil

Lady Margolotta Von Uberwald was trying to put together what had just happened. The vampire attempted to open her eyes and grimaced, her face throbbed. It was still raw and slightly burned. _Not zat I didn’t deserve it. Zey should have put me down._

But she was still here. In fact, the hospitality was far nicer than anything she had ever given. She was in an overstuffed winged backed chair, swathed in a blanket by the fire.

Margolotta stared blurrily into the white cloth over her eyes and tried to recall the events of the last ten minutes. _Lady Sybil sprayed something in my face and it felt like fire. Ze troll entered ze room after I started screaming and pulled me off Lady Sybil as if I were a ragdoll. He flung me into ze bookcase. Ze butler rushed in a moment later and helped Lady Sybil to her feet. She assured him zat she vas fine and asked him to bring ze coffee and tea straight away._

_Lady Sybil and ze troll, named Detritus, zen helped me up and placed me in zis chair by ze fire. She zen instructed ze troll to have a seat on one of ze sofas. Lady Sybil vrapped a blanket around me and placed a cool cloth on my face before bustling away._

Margolotta pressed the cool cloth to her eyes and wished the floor would swallow her. _Zis vas not good. Five years vithout a drop. Five years, how could I be so foolish?_

Lady Sybil politely coughed and Margolotta removed the cloth from her eyes, squinting in the light of the room.

“Here, Mr. Smith from the Temperance League at home swears by it.” Sybil handed Margolotta a white china cup. “How are your eyes?”

Margolotta took the cup shakily. “Better, Zank you.” She hesitantly took a sip. “Zis is very good.” And it was, probably the best non-haemo-goblin drink she had ever had. “Vhat is it?”

“Klatchian coffee, Curly Mountain Straight, I believe.” Lady Sybil replied.

The vampire looked over at the troll, it was glaring at her. She gave it a weak smile and raised her cup. It attempted a smile and raised its stone mug in response. Later she would reflect it was quite a picture, a troll sitting politely on a sofa, drinking from a great granite mug with its pinkie in the air. It sat there as if it belonged there. As if sitting with a siege weapon lying casually across ones lap was just part of the job..

Igor nervously entered the room followed by the butler. He jumped as the butler cleared his throat to obtain his mistress’s attention.

Lady Sybil was looking through some documents. She looked up at the man and smiled.

She turned to Igor, her expression changing ever so slightly. Her smile was now sad yet understanding. “Good Evening, Igor. Would you like some coffee or tea?”

“No, Mithtess.” Igor said timidly.

“I was just reading through this. It says you are filling in from Lady Margolotta’s household while another Igor can be found for the embassy. Is this correct?” Lady Sybil asked brightly.

Igor swallowed hard. “Yeth, Mithtress.”

Lady Sybil glanced at the papers. “It shows a great deal of loyalty to your Mistress’s house that you are willing to help others in their time of need. I am a great believer in the importance of loyalty. Afterall, where would we be without the loyalty of our friends?”

“Yeth, Mithtress” Igor looked terrified now. Margolotta knew how he felt. _Mobs had a pattern. Zis, zis had never happened. Vhen vas ze shoe going to drop?_

Lady Sybil slowly nodded. “You have done a wonderful job, Igor. Especially, given the loss to your family. “

“Thank you, Mithtress.” Igor said looking at the ground.

“No, Igor. Thank you.” The kindness in the duchess’s voice caused him to look up and she extended her hand towards him. “Your assistance over the past few days has been quite helpful. Now it is time that you returned to your household, your services are no longer necessary. I am sure the consulate will work with the Igors to find a replacement for poor Igor.“

“Am I being thacked, Mithtress?” He looked nervously at the butler[1].

“Oh, Heavens No!” Waving the thought away with her hand. “Since we are leaving in the morning, your services will simply no longer required. In any case, you are still in the employ of Lady Margolotta.”

Igor breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeth, Mithtress.” The man moved to walk out of the room.

“Igor?” Lady Sybil called out and the man froze. “One more thing, since you are no longer associated with this consulate, you do not have the power to invite anyone into the building and all invitations that have been issued by you are no longer extended. Do you understand?”

Igor gave a worried glance to Lady Margolotta. “Yeth, Mithtress.”

Igor turned back to Lady Sybil, whom gave him an almost motherly look. “Thank you again for your service. Willikins will escort you out safely.”

Willikins turned to Lady Sybil and bowed. “Anything else, your Ladyship?”

“Yes, Willikins.” Lady Sybil paused for a moment. “Please see that no harm comes to Igor. I am sure his hearts are in the right places.”

“Yes, your ladyship.” The butler replied with a bow and took Igor by the arm.

“Thank you, Willikins.” Lady Sybil said before pouring more tea into her cup. She was looking a little green.

Margolotta waited for them both to leave before speaking. “You could have killed him. It vould have been vithin the lore and the law.”

“He was just being loyal to his household,” Sybil said matter-of-factly.

Margolotta sipped her coffee. “Igors pride themselves on being good servants.”

“And he is a good servant. I just said that his services won’t be needed as of tomorrow and that he needed to be where his loyalties lie.” Sybil took a sip of tea. “While Sam and his men pride themselves on being just, I would rather Igor not be here when they find out how you obtained your invitation into the embassy.”

Detritus tensed and glared at the door. Lady Sybil stood a little unsteadily and walked over to the troll. She patted Sergeant Detritus's shoulder. “Not to worry, Sergeant. It was a small indiscretion that won’t be repeated.” The watchman relaxed. “Would you like more espresso, Sergeant?”

“No fank you, Lady Sybil.” He looked at her and added. “You should be sitting down.”

Margolotta did her best not to gape. _She did not properly deal vith Igor and now she is fussing over a troll._ _She must be mad._ Suspicion gripped Margolotta. “Vy are you showing him mercy?”

“I find it better than the alternative.” She sat back down. “Most people are just trying to live their lives and enjoy the happiness they can find where they find it. We all have worth. We just all have our own funny little ways, that's all.“ Lady Sybil took a sip of her tea, it smelled of ginger and honey.

“You vere in your rights to kill me.” Margolotta stated flatly, fighting the guilt.

“I didn’t particularly want to. Now..” Sybil replied.

“But you are vithin your rights?” Margolotta snapped, causing the troll to shift on the sofa.

“I know,” Sybil said quietly. “The lore is quite clear on that, so is the law. Sam would call it attempted murder, not to mention breaking and entering. The Patrician would consider the fact that you were going to kill an ambassador on Ankh-Morporkian soil an act of war.”

Margolotta shifted uncomfortably and Lady Sybil continued brightly. “I would rather not think of it that way. You are simply a recovering addict that had a bad moment. I can’t imagine Sam would do much better if whiskey bottles started having conversations with him."

She swirled the contents of her teacup. "Also, I would prefer not to go to war if it is all the same to you. I actually like spending time with my husband. Unless you really want the Sergeant to pop your head off like a daisy.”

Detritus smirked and did his best not to laugh at the vampire’s expression.

“Not that he would have,” Sybil said reassuringly.

“You don’t know that,” Detritus growled. Lady Sybil gave him a motherly look. “I might have,” Detritus grumbled.

“The Sergeant is a good officer and a very good person.” Lady Sybil said causing the troll to sit up straighter.

Margolotta glared at the Watchman. “Trolls aren’t all that bright."

“Really” Sybil turned to the troll and in perfect dwarfish asked. “Did you know?”

“First time I have heard it.” The troll replied with a wink.

Margolotta gaped and Lady Sybil laughed. “Sergeant, would you please excuse us?” He cast her a look that said absolutely not. “You can sit just outside the room with the door open. I think it would make our guest more comfortable. “

He put his mug down and tightened his grip on his crossbow.

Lady Sybil smiled at him. “I promise to be careful.” She motioned towards Margolotta. “Lady Margolotta, do I have your word that you will not cause me any harm and leave as soon as my husband arrives?“

Lady Margolotta looked at the troll, who was doing his best to inconspicuously size her up. “I promise that no harm will come to Lady Sybil and that I will leave as soon as Sir Samuel returns.”

The troll nodded and rose. As he left the room, he turned to the duchess and pointed just beyond the door. “Lady Sybil, I will be right there.” He shouldered his weapon and with a few loud steps settled outside the door.

“Not very velcoming.” Margolotta said conversationally and stopped when she saw the cutting glance directed at her by Lady Sybil.

“Sergeant Detritus is one the finest Watchmen in Anhk-Morpork. Many individuals owe their continued existence to him.” The duchess said curtly before taking a calming breath.

Margolotta noted the words chosen. _Not just men, not just humans, and not just lives._ “You are less like your grandmother than I thought.” Lady Sybil raised an eyebrow and sipped her tea in a manner reminiscent of Havelock. The vampire smirked and continued. “She would have killed me. In fact, vhen ve crossed paths 70 years ago she very nearly did. “

Lady Sybil put her teacup down and her hand floated down to her lap. “She never spoke of those times, she said it hurt too much and there was no point in looking back."

Margolotta was intrigued. "How did she find herself in Ankh-Morpork?"

The duchess smiled at the thought. "My grandfather had a regiment and took it upon himself to find glory for Ankh-Morpork. He was looking for a way to the Hubland Steppes and stumbled upon her village. He used to say he was quite taken by her.”

“I see,” Margolotta said slightly surprised. “Vell, she vas a beauty.”

Lady Sybil chuckled. “Oh no, he fell in love with her when she outmaneuvered him. He tried to capture her kingdom. She had him surrendering his position and heart before he even saw her.”

Margolotta nodded and took a sip of her coffee. “Vat did you spray in my eyes?”

“Holy water. Grandmother made me promise to always carry a small vial with me. I found that it works better in the atomizer. It does less damage but gets the point across.” Sybil pulled a small perfume bottle out of her pocket. “You also get more than one shot.”

“You are not as nice as you seem,” Margolotta said with a wry grin. “Do not get me vrong, you are very kind and vell-mannered. If I believed in such as zing, I would even venture to say even good but you are not nice. You have darkness in you.”

“Light doesn’t make you good. Lots of good people dwell in the darkness, lots of bad things take refuge in the light. I strive to be good, sometimes I fail but I continue to try." She looked ashamed for a moment. "Even when I find out that what I assumed to be good for years actually wasn’t. Sam has helped me a great deal with that.” She was quiet for a moment and returned the atomizer to her pocket.

“Do you zink I have any goodness in me?” Margolotta asked, testing her.

“Yes.” Sybil gave her a look absolute of sincerity. “You are striving to not drink the b-word. You helped Sam, even if it wasn’t completely altruistic. It doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t have to help him. And Havelock sees potential in you. He doesn’t grant that honor lightly.”

Margolotta was shocked at the mention of Havelock's name. “Surely, you have seen good in people that didn’t deserve it? Seraphine comes to mind.”

Sybil nodded sadly. “I hoped, I foolishly hoped that being the mother to someone as wonderful as Angua was proof of something. I guess it was proof that Angua managed to pull herself up from more adversity than I thought.”

Margolotta looked at her quizzically. “You really care for her, even though she is?”

“What?” The fierceness in her eyes returned.

The vampire held up her hands in mock defense. “I am just surprised. You are different, my dear. You love people. You love people zat are not your people. People vho are not seen as lovable, vich is rarer zan you zink.” Margolotta chuckled. “Do you vant to move to Uberwald? Ve could use more people like you.” Margolotta reached across the table to offer her hand.

Sybil blushed at the compliment and opened her mouth to reply when Sir Samuel followed by Sergeant Detritus, the butler, a dwarf, and a handful of Uberwald guards burst into the room.

“Sybil, come over here please.” Vimes had his sword drawn and was holding a torch from the hall. Margolotta looked at it carefully, it still had the sconce attached. _Ze man had ripped it out of ze vall._ And then she remembered the stories. _On ze hunt, he had killed a verevolf barehanded._

Sybil turned towards the impromptu mob. “Oh good, Sam, you’re back. Margolotta was just keeping me company.”

“I’m sure she was” Vimes growled. “Sybil, get behind me now!”

Lady Sybil stood up and moved between Vimes and Margolotta. “Sam! She is our guest.” She said in a warning tone.

He glared at her but sheaved his sword. “You have 5 minutes.”

Lady Sybil nodded demurely. “Yes, dear.”

Vimes pointed his finger at his wife. “I mean it, Sybil, five minutes.”

“I am very sorry, Lady Margolotta. Sam is a bit on edge, it would probably be best if we invited you back another day. Let me escort you out.” Lady Sybil said graciously.

Margolotta looked at the assembled men and did her best to keep her composure. “Of course, Lady Sybil. Zank you for your hospitality.”

Margolotta rose from her chair, and in a move that threw the vampire off guard, Lady Sybil protectively took her arm and walked her out of the room.

When they got to the hall, they walked at a leisurely pace. “I am sorry we didn’t have more time to talk. You mustn’t mind, Sam. He is a good and gentle man. He is just protective. He is mostly harmless, though.”

_You actually believe that, don’t you? Or do you just know it_? Margolotta thought as they walked down the hall. _What are you, Sybil?_

“I wanted to ask you ...I was wondering…” Sybil said nervously. “Would you like me to deliver any letters to Havelock for you? We won’t be in the City for a couple weeks but we will be faster than a mail coach.”

Margolotta was thrown off by the question. “I haven’t spoken to Havelock in years.”

“All the more reason to write him,” Sybil said hopefully.

“I am not sure that is such a good idea,” Margolotta said as she put her cloak on.

“Please consider it, we will pass your castle as we leave Bonk.” She took the vampire’s hand and squeezed it. “Everyone deserves love and happiness. We all are worthy of that.”

Margolotta gave a sad smile. “I vill zink it over.”

Lady Sybil smiled and hugged her, kissing her cheeks. “Good Night, Margolotta.”

“Good Night, Sybil.” Margolotta replied and stepped back as the door closed. She lifted her hand up to touch the door and received a jolt of electricity. _Sealed tighter zan_ _a drum, clever girl._

 

 

[1] “Sacked” had a more literal meaning in Uberwald.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this. I didn't have a chance to clean up the text as much as I would like so please let me know if anything throws you off. As always, comments, suggestions, discussion, and plot bunnies are welcome.


	6. Starting with a Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acknowledgement: All of this belongs to or was inspired by Terry Pratchett.

Margolotta crumpled the piece of paper and threw it into the fire. She pulled a new leaf of paper out of her desk and stared at it. She had been attempting to compose _something, anything_ but the words would not come. Or worse they came a little too clearly.

The vampire laughed darkly to herself. _Vat I am going to say to him? Hello Darlink, Haven’t heard from you zirty years. You vill be happy to know I stopped eating people._ _Almost helped verevolves kill your ambassador. Not to mention, I vas stopped from killing his lovely vife._ She thought before throwing her hands up in frustration.

“Igor!” She shouted. “I am going out.”

She didn’t wait for a response but transformed into a cloud of bats and flew out the open window.

Margolotta didn’t know why but she found herself back at the embassy. Drawn by a feeling, she had just flown. She roosted in the eaves of the embassy and trained her many ears on the structure. All she needed was one open window to hear what was going on inside. Spying came easy in this form, it was the focus that was difficult. There were so many sets of ears to coordinate and so many noises to filter out.

A window was open in the kitchen. Someone was sharpening knives.

“How long you fink they will be at it?” The troll rumbled.

There was a pause in the sharpening. “Only another hour or two on the outside. They get like this once a year. It always blows over quickly. Neither can stand being upset with the other for too long.”

“I fink he should be mad at her.” There was the sound of something heavy being set down on a table. “I mean she could have been hurt or worse. And there is the baby to fink about.”

A higher pitched dwarf voice chimed in. “Shhh...We aren’t supposed to know about that yet. Angua shared that in confidence.” 

A heavy item was lifted from the table and the troll drank something. “I knew before she tolds us. I mean Lady Sybil been fick every night the entire trip. And she even ate one of the clay biscuits Ruby made for me. Said it was nice and everyfing”

The butler chuckled. “It is obvious if you know where to look.”

“Well, I didn’t know.” The dwarf pouted. “And Angua could smell it, which is cheating. It’s not like dwarves know how to look for these things.” 

There was the sound of a drink being poured. “More cocoa?” The troll asked helpfully.

“Yes, please.” The dwarf replied and sighed. “Regardless, everything worked out, didn’t it? I mean underneath all that softness, Lady Sybil is sharp as obsidian, she knew what she was doing today.”

“I ain’t saying Lady Sybil ain’t smart. She’s just too kind that’s all. And she’s going to get hurt going around finking peoples is good.” The troll rumbled. “Anyways, you weren’t there to pull that parasite off of her.” In the eaves, hundreds of bats bristled at the description. 

There was a polite laugh. “I am fairly sure if Lady Sybil did not have things in hand, you wouldn’t have been able to pull Lady Margolotta off of her.” The butler said and the sharpening sound began again. 

“I’m just saying everyone ain’t good and Mr. Vimes needs to set her straight so she don’t get hurt.” The trolled grumbled worriedly. “I don’t want to fink about if…”

“Well, I like Lady Sybil the way she is and I think you are just stalling.” The dwarf said changing the subject. “Now, do you have any twos or not?”

Margolotta moved her hearing out of the room. _Concentrate, vich room has her heartbeat?_ She found it on the second floor.

The room was silent save for the sound of packing and Lady Sybil’s heartbeats. It was that way for a while, finally, a door opened and closed. Another heart joined her.

She heard the sound of someone flopping onto the bed followed by a grunt from Vimes. In a few minutes, it was hard to distinguish the two heartbeats.

After some time, Vimes spoke. “Are you going to be mad at me all night? Because the way I see it, I have every right to be mad at you. “ He huffed.

“If you say so, dear.” Sybil replied coldly.

”Damn it, Sybil! She could have killed you!” Vimes yelled in exasperation.

“Sam, I am not talking to you about this until you calm down.” Sybil quietly replied and continued packing.

“No! We are bloody well going to talk now.” There was the sound of something slamming on a table. “Detritus said he had to pull her off of you and that she had you pinned to the couch like an animal.”

The woman sighed. “You are exaggerating, dear. In any case, I am fine and everything worked out.”

“I am not exaggerating! Detritus threw her up against the bookcase. I could walk you downstairs to show you the mess if you like. “ Vimes shouted.

“Sam, please calm down.” She said in a slightly strained voice.

“Why aren’t you taking this seriously?!” He snapped. “She was about to eat you and instead of throwing her out you, you brought her gods damn coffee? Have you gone insane?!”

There was a clink as something was dropped in a box. “Sam, you are really making too much of this…”

Vimes interrupted her. “I am not! A vampire almost killed you.”

“A month ago you came home saying you had a slight pain in your side from lifting a box wrong and I find out you had been stabbed.” Sybil snapped her voice rising.

“Lightly stabbed and we are not talking about me.” He snapped. “For that matter, we are not just talking about you anymore either.“ There was fear in his voice.

The room fell silent for a moment. It was a heavy silence, where both sides could come out fighting or try to make peace. 

“You just told me that we…” Vimes swallowed hard. “She could have taken that all away.”

“I know, Sam.” Sybil said gently. “I didn’t believe she wanted to hurt me. Margolotta is trying to change. She just had a moment of temptation. You have had those.”

There was the sound a fist slamming into something wooden. “There is a big difference between me being tempted by the drink and a bloody black ribboner. For one thing, last time I checked, I am not compelled to suck people dry like a big tick.”

“Did you hurt yourself?” Sybil asked patiently and sighed when her husband failed to reply. “I am sorry. I was slightly reckless, I will be more careful in the future but I did have things in hand.” 

“Before or after Detritus had to pull her off of you,” Vimes growled.

“I was in a bad position to help her up, not to mention you said not to lift anything.” There was the sound of a case being closed and guilt crept into Sybil’s voice. “Also she might have been temporarily blinded.” 

Vimes sighed. “That may be so but…What? What do you mean she was blinded?”

“I had just sprayed holy water in her eyes.“ She replied sounding slightly ashamed.

“How the blazes did you do that?” Vimes sounded astonished.

“With this.” There was the sound of something being caught and a couple pumps of the atomizer. It was followed by a deep and rolling laugh. “You sprayed her?”

“Yes.” There was exasperation in her voice. “And it isn’t funny, Sam! I am not exactly proud of doing it.”

“You sprayed her?” He was near hysterics. “Like you do when you are training the shoulder sitters?” 

“She wasn’t thinking clearly,” Sybil said trying to justify the action. “I had to get her attention.”

“Of course, you did.” Vimes gasped for air before laughing harder. “So the sleigh maker told me about the Baron. Let me guess. You used the slipper again?” He was near cackling now, probably doubled-over Margolotta thought disapprovingly.

“Metal bar, actually.” Margolotta heard the regret in the woman’s voice. “I heard you yelling and I was worried…”

Vimes stopped laughing and the room fell silent again.

Sybil was crying.“I’m so sorry, Sam.” 

“Come here, dear.” Vimes said and Margolotta heard the sound of him patting the bed.

The hundreds of little ears heard the sound of blankets being pulled back and a weight shifting onto the bed.

“Sorry.” She was sobbing now.

“It is alright,” Vimes said almost fearfully as if she was going to break.

“It's just all... so awful.” Sybil gasped for air between sobs. “Why can’t people just …”

“Hey, none of that now,” Vimes said tenderly. “I just need you to be safe.” There was the sound of a kiss. “I know you can take care of yourself but it’s not just you anymore. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, Sam.” Sybil said demurely.

Vimes chuckled and continued punctuating each sentence with a kiss. “I know you can take care of yourself." Kiss. "You are the bravest.” Kiss. “Kindest” Kiss. “Strongest woman I know.” Kiss.

He paused for a moment. “She didn’t hurt you did she?” He asked concern flooding his voice. 

“No, Sam.” Sybil paused. “I think she took the brunt of the damage and she was far more upset than I. It must be very hard for her, being so lonely. I think she is just looking for a connection, somewhere to belong.”

“That is all fine and good, but she needs to find that without you.” Vimes paused and asked worriedly. “She didn’t try to seduce you?”

“No, Sam.” Sybil laughed. “That’s your job remember.” There were the sounds of more kisses being exchanged. Margolotta knew she should leave but she was pulled in by the sound of sincere affection. 

“Sam?” Sybil asked

“Yes, dear?” Vimes replied huskily.

“What are you doing?” She asked quizzically.

“Just checking for bite marks, dear. Can’t be too careful.” There was a roguish quality to his voice. Margolotta could hear the sound of  the rustling fabric.

Lady Sybil giggled. “That’s a bit low for a bite mark.”

“Have to be thorough about these things.” Vimes purred.

If 200 bats could have laughed at once, they would have. Instead, they flew back to Lady Margolotta’s castle.

After she had pulled herself together, Margolotta went back to her desk and quickly penned a letter.

_Dear Havelock,_

_Congratulations on your brilliant maneuver. The impact of your ambassadors will change the course of Uberwald for the better._

_With my affection and respect,_

_M-  
_

_P.S. I miss our conversations._

In the early morning light, Margolotta pulled back the curtain and watched Igor run to the sleigh with the letter. Three weeks later, via clacks, she had her response.

_This is official notice that the new ambassador will be in Uberwald in two weeks. –Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician, Ankh-Morpork._

Margolotta sent an agent to pick up the ambassador’s dossier the day before he arrived. In the middle was a coded page, it took her a few hours to translate.

It simply read.

_I miss you as well. - H_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a fun little side journey, I hope you liked it. Bonus points if you can spot the Brooklyn 99 reference. 
> 
> Comments, suggestions, and discussion are always welcome and greatly appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> Plot bunnies, plot bunnies everywhere, I type amongst crates full of plot bunnies. I was interested in a quick story about Lady Sybil and Lady Margolotta having tea and becoming besties. I now have a 4 chapter story and multiple new headcanons. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. Please adopt a plot bunny. I don't have a beta so if you see anything amiss or confusing please let me know. If you would like to be a beta or trade beta services (I proof your stuff/you proof mine), please let me know.
> 
> As always, comments, suggestions, and discussion are most welcome.


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